Depression

"You may be in a depression"

These are the words my therapist said to me. I had a feeling something was wrong. But depression wasn't my first guess. Someone in my life has clinical depression. I've seen them struggle with it for years. Depression is different than you expect. My depression is boredom. Living in the established habits that is my day to day life. Wanting to stay in bed and sleep all day, waiting for the next. Frustrations, turned to resentment then to contempt. What I had to accept is that depression has shades and I have one of them.

My therapist is helping me work through the causes. Aiding me to come up with ways to improve my mood and quality of life. Like most of my life challenges, I'm taking my depression head on.

I'm a people pleaser. I tend to put people's feelings before my own. I may have taken it overboard. Because I wasn't taking care of my own wants and needs. This required resetting the expectations of the people around me. I had to have conversations that are hard for me. I had to tell them how I was feeling, what got me there and what had to change. The conversations have been easier with my mental health being on the line. I have to trust that the message got through. Depression can erode trust, but I have to believe in the people around me.

Life has gotten in the way of hanging out with my friends. It seems natural. As we get older, we get into our own lives and have our own families and concerns. We get together to play board games, but it's infrequent. My therapist suggests I try to hangout with friends on a weekly basis. I have not done a good job on this one. I've tried and my friends are willing, but it takes some effort to break habits.

I'm adventurous. But I haven't been feeding that part of me to the degree I would like. I've been trying to say "no" less and say "yes" more. I don't often leave my house after I get home from work, but I have been willing to do so more often. If the right opportunity arises.